Happy Father's Day!
So one of the many interesting things about dating again is that I meet men with children. The reasons why they have children vary - previous marriages, mistake when they were young, planned in the course of what was then a relationship, accident, etc. But in effect they all have kids of varying ages and numbers. For the most part, they are all wonderful loving fathers who would truly do anything for them dying for them would only be the beginning. Now my dad was a lot of things, but I never once doubted that he loved me.
But for me, the interesting factor in this is how the mother's of the kids treat their children's fathers. I'll admit this is a pretty one-sided blog, but I've heard the conversations on the other side as well (and have my own opinions about children and women's views, particularly black women's views on children outside of marriage but that's another blog and explains why I have no kids) and I think I'm going to have to side with the fathers on this one. It seems very hard for some women to be able to let go of a failed relationship and say "Yes, it didn't work out with us, but with our kids let's be friends." I mean these are guys busting their butts, working 2-3 jobs, driving 40 miles or more at the drop of a dime, shuttling their kids to and from and maybe in like their spare 5 mins a day, maybe catch up with friends and breathe. I know the moms do that too and more often than not the responsibility falls on the mothers too, but can we at least forgive our children's fathers for the failed relationship and deal with them as equals as the fathers of our children?
I am appalled and ashamed at how some of these women use and manipulate their children, the things they say to someone they once loved enough to lay down with. It saddens me to think that the ones losing out are the children. And I know there is a lot of hurt and anger that you have this daily reminder of a failed relationship, you have to think of that person as maybe moving on, without you. But if you look at it this way, the mother can't move on until she forgives the father of her child. If you are nasty towards your son's father, how will you expect to find love? If you treat the flesh of your flesh as a bargaining chip, what type of person will you attract? And then you would bemoan that men don't want someone with kids and they are triflin' etc. No, what men don't want is a bitter woman.
And for my ladies that don't have children dating men that do. Let's be a little more forgiving to those fellas that have them. Yes, he won't be able to spend all his free time with you. Yes, he may have to run over and pick up Jr. unexpectedly. Drive him over, or feed him before he has to go, but let him know that you support him in his life as he is today. I know it's hard and I know it means no spontaneous trips to Paris, but deal with it. Be understanding. And please don't ask him when can you meet them. I for one don't plan on meeting anybody's kids unless we are damn near about to get married. Not because I don't love kids, but because I don't think I should be brought into a child's life, unless I am going to become part of it. Hell, it's easier to meet his mama then his kids for me.
And to everyone. Remember that when you are in a relationship and you have children (be they mine, yours or ours) not to forget to be in a relationship with each other. You have to make time for each other. You can't just be Mommy & Daddy all the time. Sometimes you have to be MILF and Big Daddy too ;o)
No doubt expecting me to weigh in, especially on fathers w kids. Women were
introduced into your life--as women, older women, working, with
personalities, children, and ocassional suervision resonsibilities, and
your horizon was broadened, your fun increased, your sense of "family'
expanded collectively. Do you remember Jennifer, Martha, Denise, Margaret,
Paula, Brenda, all of whom offerered support, friendship, girl views, adult
models, hair combed, food cooked, and social relationships that are your
models of open friendships as you travel the world--and none of them tried
to be or replace your mother-but offered a glimpse into the world of women.
Be there as the village, be there as in the sisterhood, be there as an
adult, be their as an ethical, funny, fantastic human being. The village
needs the dailogue, and the youngsters need adults beside their parents to
ractice there adult skills on--including conversation, career interests,
attitudes, memories and future goals. Never let the "in his Life" thing be
a barrier/excuse/convenient backdoor for not engaging children honestly,
sincerely, lovingly, brilliantly, with fun and joy and light and hope and
hugs on their own terms. Transient is trumped by depth of feeling and
imprint of memory. The lasting effects pay off long after you have gone!
(To tickle the memory, Denise use to escort the Champagne brunches you and
your girls ate after each successful grading period. Paula let you and Kia
have great fun, your first sister you had to supervise. Martha did hair,
and offered great family girl talk and pals. Jennifer chatted on
interesting topics. Margaret baby sat. Mrs. Tate, Mrs. Richardson, "Nicey,"
all left strength,common sense, self worth, the joy of sharing, intellect,
and sincere regard as a legacy. Jump into those footsteps: it was how you
were raised--and you turned out F-I-N-E!!!!
Remember how unique you are, and that each child you met has a right to
see, interact, and be touched by that uniqueness. To meet a woman who is a
consultant, solves corporate problems and issues in the millions, travels
globally, and is a friend of my daddy--is a great influence on how the
horizon of life has changed for the next generation. Be a part of the
village--shw what is possible, flaunt and share your attention w/ kids. The
very fact that you took time will mean a lot!!